A Drunk Man's Words
by XD W O L F I E
Summary: What if Ozpin was a foul-mouthed, uncaring alcoholic?
1. Chapter 1

A drunk man's words.

"I hope that you realize that your actions tonight will not be taken lightly, young lady. You put yourself and others in great danger."

Goodwitch paced around the table, chastising Ruby.

"They started it!"

"If it were up to me, you'd be sent home, with a pat on the back…" Ruby's expression brightened. "…And a slap on the wrist." Goodwitch struck the table with her crop, eliciting an 'eek' from the girl. "But... there is someone here who would like to meet you."

From the shadows of the doorway, a man in grey and green stepped forward, bearing a plate of cookies and a mug. His presence made the room seem infinitely bigger, as he set the cookies down on the desk and took a seat.

Ozpin leaned in slightly, staring into Ruby's eyes.

"You have silver eyes…" He seemed ready to make a profound and meaningful comment. "What's up with that design choice!?"

On second glance, Ozpin's eyes were slightly glazed. The headmaster threw his head back lazily, sniffing loudly. Ruby gave no comment, while Goodwitch shook her head disapprovingly.

"Sir, please pay attention."

"If you wanted me to pay attention, you shouldn't have interrupted me at Booze 'O' Clock."

Ruby had become fixated by the sweet treats on the plate. Her hand extended to retrieve one, but it was promptly slapped away by Ozpin. The headmaster pulled the plate towards him and shoved a cookie into his mouth, as though taunting her.

Ruby summoned her inner child and gave him the best puppy dog eyes she could manage.

"Sir-"

"-Don't test me, kid. I'll pass every time with the power of alcohol." Ozpin demonstrated by gulping whatever was in his mug. "That's right. No one said you had to put coffee in a coffee mug."

Ruby ceased the look and glanced away sadly.

"Sir, please look at this." Goodwitch forced a scroll into his free hand, then lifted it in front of his face.

He might have been taking in what occurred on the screen. When it finished, he downed the rest of the drink in a single gulp.

"Little Red Riding Hood has entered a new line of business, I see. Didn't help her grandmother, though."

"No Sir, that's not a fairy tale character-"

"Hang on, hang ON!" Ozpin leapt out of his seat, ecstatically pointing at the scroll. "That camera angle is completely illogical! Where the hell was the camera!?"

"Your intellectual powers of perception are spot on as always…"

Smirking arrogantly, Ozpin slumped back in his seat.

"What can I say? Chicks dig intellect."

"Not all of them."

"C'mon Glyndie, don't be like that."

He hiccupped as Goodwitch took her scroll back.

"Sir, this is Ruby Rose, niece of Qrow."

The mention of Qrow made Ozpin silent, and for the first time in the meeting, appear normal and sober. Leaning in, and for the second time tonight, he seemed ready to announce something dramatic and incredible.

"You mean to tell me that this girl is related to a bird? Glyndie, I'm wasted, not stupid."

Goodwitch pressed a palm to her forehead.

"Qrow! QROW! Our ally!"

Ozpin gave an extended 'ah' of understanding, or maybe of relief from a headache. He put his mug to his lips and made a drinking motion, not realising that the mug was empty, but had no reaction as though he thought it was full.

"Qrow, of course, Qrow…" With a hearty laugh, Ozpin put his head on the table, remembering a distant event. "Kid, let me tell you about the time that me, Glyndie, Qrow and Ironwood went to a strip joint with a pair of Fauna, electric Dust crystals, and some rubber mittens. When we got there, we all got completely hammered, and Qrow and Glyndie here both took the cute Fauna to a private room, where, with the crystals-"

Ozpin was cut off by Goodwitch, who tackled him to the floor and pointed her crop at his throat.

"You talk. You die."

Curiously, Ruby really wanted to hear the rest of the story, but thought it best to hold our tongue. Ozpin shuffled underneath the professor, sighing and reminiscing.

"This position reminds me of how we found you and Qrow the following morning."

"W-What? What did you do with my uncle!?" Ruby squealed, staring at Goodwitch.

Red faced with embarrassment and anger, Goodwitch tightened her grip on his chest, pulling his face towards her.

"At least I did not wind up in the same bed as Ironwood."

Ruby could do little but look on and guess as to what happened that night. Was this the power of alcohol that Ozpin described earlier? The ability to get those around you to do completely random things? She definitely didn't want to try it.

"Glyndie, you only wish you did. Or maybe it was him you were jealous of, eh? How did the beer goggles make me look?"

Goodwitch snapped.

"Farewell, Headmaster."

Deciding enough was enough, Goodwitch raised her crop to bring the building down on Ozpin. Before she did so, Ruby stuck her hand out, making her stop, perhaps just not wishing to be buried along with him.

"Wait! I won't tell, honest!"

The professor considered her options for a moment. Ozpin put his hand behind his head with a nonchalant smirk, oblivious to the danger he was in. Or maybe he knew what could have happened, but counted on the girl too young to drink to save him. After a moment, Goodwitch stood calmly.

"Fine. But if word of tonight's conversation should ever reach the ears of others…"

Ozpin got to his feet clumsily, leaning on the table. In close proximity, they could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Yup yup, not another soul will hear your tales of our Saturday nights."

Saturday nights? Did that group of four do this on a regular basis?

"Um, Headmaster Ozpin? Does my uncle-"

"Ah, right, you!" Ozpin absentmindedly put his hand in the plate of cookies, swirling them on the desk for no good reason. "What's your name again? Ruckus raiser?"

"No Sir, I think that's you. I'm Ruby Rose."

"Indeed, ask, ask our fourth years, I can raise the ruckus. But anyhow, you know, you know who I am?"

"I've got a pretty good grasp by now…"

"Damn straight." His S sounds were becoming slurred. "I'm the boss of Beacon. As thanks for stopping Glyndie from sending my soul to the fiery, sober pits of hell, you may enter my school."

Ruby jumped up excitedly.

"Really!?"

Goodwitch didn't look pleased.

"Sir, are you sure about this? She has done little to earn a spot, academically speaking."

The headmaster shrugged uncaringly.

"She's perfect, listen. Rose, do you have a tragic back-story, do you use an oversized weapon, and do you have social issues?"

Nervously, Ruby fidgeted in her seat.

"My Mom went missing early in my life, you saw my scythe on the camera feed, and I'm pretty awkward around anyone who's not family."

"Sssee? Perfect per-por-p-protagonist material! Perfect! It's character develop-lopment that writes itself!"

Goodwitch gave a frustrated sigh.

"This does not resolve the fact that she is underage."

"Pah!" Ozpin spat the nonsensical word. "Between a kid with fake transcripts, a group of generic, cowardly bullies, and kids with dark, edgy pasts, can't you tell that I don't give a rats', ah, rats' furry ass anymore?"

"I see that it is a waste of your pathetic time speaking further with you."

"Hey, don't diss my time. It's what's keeping my liver from falling apart." Ozpin put his arms out, as though responding to a challenge.

"Well, wouldn't that be just disastrous? Sir, I shall take my leave for the night. Please wake up early tomorrow."

"Whatever for, Glyndie?"

Goodwitch scribbled on a post-it note, and slapped it on his forehead.

"Read that when you wake up."

Ruby caught a glance of the note. It read _'Give speech to first year students. I didn't bother writing one for you, so good luck thinking of one with your hangover.'_

"Thank, thank you, Glyndie, you're a true friend, truly you truly are." Ozpin stumbled back a few paces, unable to keep his balance.

Goodwitch blatantly left the room, not caring about what Ruby did at this stage. The drunken Headmaster managed to find his balance, in front of the table, standing opposite Ruby.

"Sir, honestly, you're not exactly what I was expecting from a Headmaster…"

"You think this is bad? Wait 'till I throw you into a forest of deadly creatures. And that's when I'm sober." He wouldn't be conscious for much longer. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with this lovely table here. Come here you…"

Ruby backed off as Ozpin lost his consciousness and fell into the table with a loud slam. Cookies spilled over him with pieces of wood, as he twitched slightly, dreaming of whatever drunken men dreamed of.


	2. Chapter 2

Drunk man 2

Ozpin, Port and Oobleck sat at the poker table in Junior's bar with Torchwick and Cinder, each person holding two cards.

Junior laid down three cards on the table. An ace, a six and a seven.

Contemplatively, Ozpin studied the cards, then looked back at his own. Then back at the river. Then at his cards again. Then the river again.

"Somebody's getting a bit tipsy." Torchwick whispered to Cinder gleefully. "And a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts."

Eventually, Ozpin tapped the table to call. Port's expression hadn't changed for a couple of minutes now, and Junior tapped his shoulder.

"Hole… They're all going in the hole…" Port murmured.

Apparent to everybody that he was asleep, Oobleck made his move, dumping all of his chips into the centre of the table without thinking. The criminals glanced at each other and shrugged.

"Oh my, such a bold move. I'm afraid I have no choice but to fold. Don't you agree Roman?"

"Indeed, Cinder, how could we possibly rise to a challenge of that degree?" Their sarcastic conversation made Junior chuckle under his breath.

After Ozpin aimlessly tossed his chips into the pot, Junior laid out the two final cards.

Ozpin and Oobleck gasped at the same time; Two tens.

"SNAP!"

"SNAP!"

"SNAP!"

All three professors, including the suddenly awake Port, threw their hands onto the cards, overturning the table and collapsing in a pile. Ozpin clutched the tens fiercely as other cards and ships scattered around them.

"I win! Nobody can beat my drunken ass in card games!"

Port and Oobleck huffed and clumsily got to their feet. The three criminals gave fake condolences to the 'losers' before complimenting Ozpin, giving him a round of applause.

"Well played, my friend, you truly are the… poker… master." Cinder tried to sound as convincing as possible.

"Here's your reward, champ; Booze." Junior practically forced another glass of wine into Ozpin's hands as he helped the headmaster to stand.

"Yes, yes, feel free to worship my skills." For reasons they couldn't fathom, Ozpin put the two cards in his underpants. "Now, to the victor go the spoils."

Ozpin downed the wine instantly, and slumped onto the fallen table.

"He can sure put it away, can't he?" Torchwick mumbled in earshot of his companions. "Now, headmaster, what say we indulge in a spot of socialisation before we resume our next competition?"

Ozpin tossed the glass behind him as he shrugged arrogantly.

"Well, what sort of wise leader archetype would I be if I didn't?"

"Not a… Hee…" Cinder couldn't finish her sentence, as she started sniggering under her breath, not believing how easy it was to make the man talk.

Torchwick finished for her.

"Not a good one, oh wise leader. Please, continue your conversation from earlier. The one where you said something about Qrow hunting a group of villains."

"Ah, that!" Ozpin attempted to adjust his glasses, but poked himself in the eyes instead, not that he noticed the pain. "Funny you should mention Qrow, because a couple of days ago, I accompanied him to a surveillance trip in the southeast. He said something about the place being a base for evil people, so how could I resist, the brave champion of justice that I am?"

"The brave champion of justice clearly left his wits there…" Torchwick muttered only so his allies could hear, but Ozpin still overheard.

"Hey, this witless headmaster earns more than your hermaphroditic ass any day."

Ozpin crossed his arms as the other professors cheered with bouts of 'Oooooh snap!' and 'You go girl!' Cinder was just impressed he was capable of pronouncing the word.

"At any rate, how was your visit to the southeast? Did anything exciting happen? Did you learn anything of importance?"

"I learned something alright." Ozpin stumbled to the other professors. "Qrow becomes better at holding his drink with each passing year. Even after three bottles, he was still stable enough to tell me to take pictures."

He produced his scroll, as Cinder gave a look of dismay.

"Pictures!? What sort of pictures!?"

Port and Oobleck looked at his scroll and burst into laughter.

"These sorts of pictures, Babe."

He passed her the scroll displaying the images Ozpin had taken.

On slideshow mode, the first picture showed Ozpin and a man with black hair the same age shirtless and their arms on each other's shoulders. Next, a picture showed both Qrow and Ozpin tossing bottles of beer into a camp fire. The third showed them running away from a burst of flame from the fire.

"Hold on, who was taking these pictures?"

"Well, I didn't actually want to take pictures, so we got some help."

The next picture displayed Ozpin giving a piggyback to a pair of White Fang members, who she recognised as the guards of their secret base.

"Roman."

"I'll fire them first thing tomorrow."

Finally, the last image displayed a passed out Qrow, Ozpin and a Faunus naked except for their briefs, and their clothes burning in the fire.

"That was an awkward event to explain my assistant."

"I can imagine."

Junior lowered himself between Cinder and Torchwick.

"No one can know that the White Fang were in this area…" He whispered.

Understanding the situation, she pressed Ozpin's scroll into his hands.

"Here, Junior, why don't you take a look at these images in more detail? In a more private area? Next to a wood chipper?"

"Why, an excellent idea, Cinder. Boy, I sure hope I don't drop this scroll into the wood chipper by accident."

With that, Junior walked away and out of the club.

"Attaboy. Always exercise caution." Ozpin commented, not figuring out that he wouldn't be getting his scroll back.

"Hey, hey, hey hey hey. Hey! It's time for the annual game of drunken tiddlywinks!" Oobleck exclaimed.

"Tiddlywinks? Please elaborate." Cinder had a feeling that this would be interesting.

Port swiftly put his glass at the end of Junior's bar. They didn't know he could move so fast.

"Allow me to explain, my dear! Every year, we receive applicants for Beacon from all over the globe, each packing their own skills and important attributes that will enable to become the finest hunters and huntresses in Remnant. We get drunk and play tiddlywinks to decide who gets accepted!"

"Beacon's standards have really gone downhill lately." Torchwick sipped a glass of water.

"We never had standards to begin with." Ozpin stumbled to the opposite end of the bar, having gathered up several chips used in their poker game. "This is how it works. The current player picks two names of their choice from the list of applicants, one of which will be accepted if they succeed in the round, and the other will be accepted if they fail. They then ready their chip by putting it under their thumb and the end of the playing area, and they succeed by flicking the chip into the glass. What could be simpler when drunk like us?"

"Indeed, me and Cinder can barely stay on our feet." Torchwick said as he finished his water.

"Why, this sounds like a fun game indeed. Let us participate, Roman."

"A swell idea. Deciding Beacon's students this year would be highly beneficial for us- I mean, all of us, wouldn't it, Cinder?"

"Absolutely."

Oobleck thrust his hand into his pockets and ripped out several pieces of crumpled paper.

"Yes, everybody can get in on the fun! Let's ruin some futures!"

The green haired professor slammed the paper on the bar, as Ozpin helped himself to a refill.

"Torchy, Cindy, being the guests of honour who graciously invited us to this joint, take the first pick."

Cinder leaned on the bar and looked through the applicants, beckoning Torchwick over. They examined their options.

"A girl who controls polarity or a Faunus who can darken his surroundings?" Torchwick inquired.

"Polarity is a far greater semblance. Get her in, Roman."

Cinder stood back as Torchwick readied his chip, putting it on the edge of the bar and sliding his thumb under it.

"Should I win, Pyrrha Nikos will be accepted, agreed?"

He didn't wait for their response, and expertly flicked the chip in the glass at the end of the bar. The rattle of the glass made the professors cheer.

"Alright, Cindy next! Name your applicants!"

Cinder thought for a moment.

"If I win, this girl who can control velocity will be accepted, and if I lose… myself."

The professors made various drunken expressions of 'woah!'

"Ballsy. I mean, you're a bit old for school, aren't you?" Ozpin tipped his drink at her.

"Nonsense. I'm CLEARLY young enough."

"Whatever she says must be right!" Oobleck clung to the edge of the bar as he stated his logic.

"You're right! Go ahead Cinder, if you lose, you're coming to Beacon!"

Cheerfully, Cinder casually tossed the chip to the side.

"Oh dear, it seems I missed. Looks like I'm coming to Beacon." Her nonchalant expression made Torchwick laugh.

"That's how the game is played, sweetheart. Port, get up there and show them how the pros play."

Urged by Ozpin, Port took his place.

"Should I win gallantly, this highly skilled and decorated teenager gets accepted. If not, I'll pick some kid from the street."

Cinder quickly sent a message to somebody. (Mercury, get to the outside of club immediately.)

Oobleck leaned next to the glass, breathing through his mouth in anticipation. With a grunt, Port practically threw his chip at the glass, the side effect being that it fell into Oobleck's mouth.

With a heavy choke, Oobleck fell to the ground clutching his throat. Port attempted to get close to help the other professor, but swiftly tripped over the fallen poker table, hitting his head on the floor and passing out. Rolling his eyes, Ozpin kicked the back of Oobleck's head, making him splutter out the chip.

"Drunken tiddlywinks is a dangerous game, understand. My fourth years claim that they would prefer to spend the night in the Emerald Forest than embark on this game with us."

"What fools." Torchwick sniggered.

Gasping for breath, Oobleck stood and immediately reached for his wine.

"Come now, it's your turn." Ozpin patted his back. "Try not to kill anyone, but as Taiyang's first wife found out, anything could happen."

"Ah, his first wife. We never did explain her death to her family, did we?"

"Did you want to explain how she died in a game of super drunk tiddlywinks? Nobody suspects how lethal flaming strawberries can be."

Oobleck took his position at the end of the counter.

"I'll take the same bet as my would-be assailant a moment ago."

Cinder quickly sent another message. (And bring Emerald.)

After setting up his chip carefully, Oobleck slammed it as hard as he could with no sense of control. Not having enough time to react, the chip sailed into his throat again.

"…Why…?" Oobleck choked, his eyes turning red.

Torchwick slapped the back of his head, knocking him unconscious, but expelling the chip nevertheless.

Oobleck collapsed on top of Port, who woke with a jump.

"Hark! Has someone died again?"

Ozpin helped him to his feet, almost falling in the process.

"No, this isn't the case of Taiyang's second wife."

"Ho ho, Summer! Who would have guessed that ultra drunk tiddlywinks would be her demise?"

"Nobody, especially considering that her body was completely vaporised by the red Dust crystals."

Torchwick leaned next to Cinder.

"They've killed more people than us…"

Stretching, Ozpin made way for his to the playing field.

"Watch and learn, for the lord and master of drunken games who show you majesty beyond belief!"

"Hold now, headmaster!" Port stood at the other end of the bar. "Such mastery as you describe will require an even larger bet, would it not?"

The headmaster thought for a moment.

"You're right. Very well, then, name your bet."

"If you should win, I will pay for the next five booze runs in the new term of Beacon!"

"A risky gambit, Port. You know how much we go through when a new year begins."

"However, if you should lose, then you will allow the most pathetic, the most farcical, the most incompetent student entry to Beacon."

Cracking his knuckles and neck, Ozpin crouched next to his chip.

"You're on."

Port lowered himself to eye level next to the glass.

With the courage of a champion of justice, Ozpin flicked his chip.

* * *

><p>"And that's the story of how Jaune Arc was accepted into Beacon."<p>

Ozpin stood behind a microphone in the auditorium, giving his speech to every new student.

"Oh, c'mon!" A whiny boy shouted from somewhere. Ignoring him, Ozpin continued.

"It took a while to extract the chip from Port's eye, but don't feel sorry for him, I mean, he knew the risks of the game. It's not drunk tiddlywinks unless somebody goes blind for a week."

The students started muttering amongst themselves.

"My mom was killed by a flaming strawberry!? How does that happen!?" A girl had shouted from somewhere.

"My mom exploded when playing a drunken game!?" Another squeaked.

Ozpin set the microphone on the stand, preparing to leave.

"Well, that's my speech just about wrapped up. If you'll excuse me, I need to make the rules for ultimate drunk tiddlywinks, and prepare some alcohol so that us grown ups can play the King's game during your initiation tomorrow. Also, it should be noted that I haven't quite recovered from my visit to Vale last night, so I recommend that everybody near this stand take their leave. Glyndie, do me a favour and call a janitor right now."

Some students screamed and ran for dear life as Ozpin hunched over the edge of the platform and hurled.


End file.
